Recently a newer friend of mine has me convinced that if i just keep putting out there what i want and keep working for the things i want and being more positive and looking for happiness and contentment in the little things all the while, that I'll get those things, especially when looking for a new partner.
Feeling sort of rejected tonight and not having anything recently pan out, I'm feeling a bit sad sack about things, realizing he and i never talked about how you feel like you deserve those things. No, not deserve.... more like you're too fucked for someone to want those things with you and not in ways you can really easily change.
First of all, i require an intense amount of attraction and high desire for play and sex to be felt on both sides. That's super rare and something that can't be forced on either side.
I'm not young enough or in good enough shape to be widely desired. The former will just kkeep getting worse and the latter I'm not doing a good job of changing right now.
I'm too crazy for any remotely healthy person to want to be with. And i can manage really well for shorter period of time but i freak out easily over minor-ish things, even if i now have most of those freak outs shortened and will handle things after the freak out. But i know that it is stressful for those around me.
I push back too much for someone who isn't really a brat. Especially at first. But also when I'm angry or frustrated or bored or i want you to play rough with me so i try to make you angry to get it. Wow that sounds pretty bratty. I think it drives off people. Now maybe those people wouldn't want to or be able to handle me long-term of this drices them off, but it kinda sucks. It feels like i act too bratty for many Doms to still be interested.
I'm not disciplined enough or subservient enough or proper enough to ne a good slave to most Masters. Nor do i desire micromanaging.
I regularly wear 1950s style clothing. (In fact, bank of america might buy me some pedal pushers and a cardigan soon.) But I'm not traditionally feminine enough, nor a good enough cook and seamstress and iron-er to be a good 1950s housewife type.
I'm not free enough to be good at poly but I'm not monogamous enough to be monogamous.
I don't have enough free time to really feel like I'm doing things justice.
I forsee lots of tearful lonely nights and a long time of masturbation, hopefully with some sublimation going on.
1 comment:
I think most people mean that trying is worth the effort so don’t stop looking. Looking is frustrating. It is exhausting at times. It does not have a timetable either, (if it did that would be a positive but I don’t see it on the horizon). All of which can make it harder to keep trying. The Journey is full of peril. Making the Journey is also worth it.
I know for me, the happy times makes it worth trying. There are down times too to get through. But I can look back on happy times even with someone who wasn’t permanent. That happens. There are surprises. Nothing can truly be charted. Still the ride is thrilling.
It is worth it in the end. The end is hard to see. Love, Life, and Joy are worth it.
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