Civil Rights

http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=E3D7A88114B9D44B121C2D9ABD3AC051?diaryId=878

http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=E3D7A88114B9D44B121C2D9ABD3AC051?diaryId=884
These are really great posts about the convergence of the fight for LGBT civil rights and African-American civil rights in the United States, which were prompted by financial advise guru Suze Orman's revelation that she and her long-time partner are very worried about what will happen to their money when one of them dies and the assertion that (gay) marriage is a civil right that gays should enjoy as straight couples do because of these concerns. I really love this quote as well and wanted to post it on my blog because I think it describes how I feel about it all. Or how I think I feel, as everything is kinda jumbled up right now.

Of course, there's a bigger issue here than money. I've heard it expressed before by Leonard Pitt.
"I know also that some folks are touchy about anything seeming to equate the black civil rights movement with the gay one. And no, gay people were not kidnapped from Gay Land and sold into slavery, nor lynched by the thousands. On the other hand, they do know something about housing discrimination, they do know job discrimination, they do know murder for the sin of existence, they do know the denial of civil rights and they do know what it is like to be used as scapegoat and bogeyman by demagogues and political opportunists.

They know enough of what I know that I can't ignore it. See, I have yet to learn how to segregate my moral concerns. It seems to me if I abhor intolerance, discrimination and hatred when they affect people who look like me, I must also abhor them when they affect people who do not. For that matter, I must abhor them even when they benefit me. Otherwise, what I claim as moral authority is really just self-interest in disguise.

I believe in moral coherence. And Rule No. 1 is, you cannot assert your own humanity, then turn right around and deny someone else's. "

Writer's block isn't the right phrase, but it's the first thing that comes to mind

Two of my classes this semester are creative writing classes, poetry and fiction. My other English course requires small papers every week or two. It's not that I lack something to say. (I rarely have nothing to say.) Yet whenever I am supposed to write for any of these classes, I feel like I am at a loss. I think I"m afraid that, if I open it up, I'll never stop. That if I allow myself to start writing what I feel, what I think, I'll never run out. I won't do anything but write, pouring myself onto the paper. Not working or going to school. Not eating or drinking or caring for myself. And no edits or re-writes because I never stop writing the first draft. I can't hand-write as fast as my thoughts. And I don't want to spend my life chained to a computer, nott that my typing can keep up with my thoughts either, but it is closer.

Tomorrow's reading for my rhetoric class is a piece (from 1975) about how women should claim their own writing and their own bodies. But there is a fear in that for me that stills my pen until the thought vanishes or is just a shadow of its original glory. Should I just put off the other things I'm supposed to be doing just to record, develop, lay bare my thoughts and ideas? The practical has to enter into it eventually. Plus, I'm not sure how to give my inner workings life, especially in regards to my fiction writing, to transform what goes on in my head into more than just a journal. It's easier in poetry, but perhaps not as satisfying. And how can I create "need-based" modernist fiction, as I've been intructed to for this class, while also using a "feminine voice," as is suggested by the author of that piece? Are the two anti-thetical?

Arguing with Sir

Blue=Body of e-mail from Sir

Instead of being mad today, I did some wikipedia research. I know it's not a definitive source but it's close enough for government work. I discovered that my problem with Feminism is that I believe it is a "gateway philosophy" for Misandry. I support the Feminist view that women should have equal opportunities as men and I'm in favor of causes and work toward that end. From my perspective, it is inherent in this philosophy that women should also have equal responsibilities and accountability as men, and I believe that there is where the philosophies diverge. This disconnect can be discussed at another time, but those are my findings as of today. Misandry is my enemy, especially when it masquarades under the banner of feminism. One quick remark about the whole topic of mixed messages from women, do you really think it was any different before feminism? Don't you think guys trying to romance women still had to use trial and error to figure out what the specific woman they were dating wanted? I think you'd have to go back to the days of arranged marriages to find a time when men didn't have to worry about running the woman off by doing the wrong thing. But once they were married, they still had to live with each other every day and mixed messages existed there. And guys send mixed messages too, just not the same one.

I also wanted to say that your argument last night was a perfect example of the "inferrence" I was speaking of. Instead of arguing the points and having a dialog about the topic at hand, you managed to insult me and my opinions, say that I support rape, and then blamed me for not listening for years on end. First of all, I think that you were, if not insulting, then at least making a pointed jab at me, when you blamed "the liberal media and feminism" for communications between men and women. You are always telling me that I should be able to infer from past reactions how a person will react. Whether or not you think I should react the way I did, you know from past experience that heeping all of the blame on feminism and the "liberal" media would make me feel personally insulted. I know there is no way you support rape, but, the way you were positioning yourself, it seemed to me that you were only allowing for women "to be asking for it" or for women never to want sex and/or never want to get the attention of a man with her appearance. I was not trying to insult you and your opinions, nor did I want to discuss our interpersonal relationship inthe beginning. But I saw a mental pattern that you have and that you stick to, which I do not see as helping you, propelling you forward, being fulfilling for you, or working to make you a better person. I was trying to use the opportunity to point out that maybe it is the structure of your thinking that is holding you back, limiting you, not only in this but in life. Though it obviously didn't come across, I also tried to point out that this isn't just ideas that are hurting you but ideas that are hurting the whole society. I feel like I've been trying to do this for several months, especially as I see all of your hope and alive-ness fade away into sheer cynicism and disappointment. But you never seem to take anything I say on these topics into consideration. I tried to point part of this out in my letter to you, but you chose to ignore that in favor of only discussing IF I wanted to continue our friendship, not discussing the things beyond K that have caused our freindship to be even more dysfunctional as of late. If you want to discuss our interpersonal relationship, don't mask it in a philosophical discussion because I will ALWAYS be blamed for "not listening."While I'm trying to defend a position, you're busy using that position against me in a personal manner. The ways in which you support your positions, with your interpretations with your personal unfair treatment, that I believe has clouded your judgements about everything in life, are based on a view of the world that is hurting you, though you will never admit it, and, frankly, hurting me. My "careful crafting" of a conversation is my way of trying to stay on task against personal attacks. If you cannot have a philosophical debate and exchange of ideas without dragging personal feelings into it and slandering me personally, it's better that we avoid such conversation. Then what would our friendship be? You can get all that other stuff from everyone else. Attacking me personally is definately not the best way to convince me to change my mind about something. Why? It's always how you act towards me? Hanging up on me after warning me not to hang up on you probably isn't the best way to change my mind either. Your behavior last night was unacceptable, especially considering the day.When I am ready to speak to you again, I will let you know. What about my feelings about when I may or may not want to talk to you?

At this point, I'm so torn about whether I even want to keep this friendship. There is a bigger problem that K. That was just a more immediate concern that helped us avoid the bigger issues. You are in a bad place. Not as bad as some of the places I've been, but, then again, the worse it is, the more incentive you have to dig out of it. It seems obvious to me that the way you deal with the world is not working, or at least not working to make you a better person, a more fulfilled person, etc. When you were trying to ground yourself in Eastern thought and your moral ideals, you could almost see that life could be more than ordinary, even if it was only internally extra-ordinary. That is completely gone now. And I want so much to help you see that it is still out there, but you only see attacks and slander and insults. Or what I say is so pedestrian that you dismiss it out of hand. On my end, I feel strong contradictions in our relationship. On one end, I feel like orthodoxy always comes at too high a price, especially yours. I feel like you have such high expectations that no one will ever meet them, especially me, and that you are always keeping score. Now, you might not kick me out of the game for too many fouls, but you just won't play me for the rest of the season. On the other hand, I know I am doing good, but I almost feel like I can only do this good without you in my life. All the good things I had done over the last year, I did when you weren't around. I haven't been depressed or cried or wanted to cut or wanted to die, except in relationship to you and our dealings with each other. Last night, I spent a half hour scratching my forearms until they were red and raw. I can deal with most things, even the more stressful work and school and illness all at once, but I can't deal with you in a constructive way. "Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it would be so hard." I wish I could go back to the start. I just don't know what to do.

Barenaked Ladies- Call and Answer

For Sir and K

Call and Answer
I think its getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think its getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think its the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think I only think about you
When were both in the same room
You think Im only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think its only fair to do whats
Best for you and you alone
You think its only fair to do the same
To me when youre not home
I think its time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home.

But Im warning you, dont ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you
Ill be the first to crucify you
Now its time to prove that youve come back
Here to rebuild.

To Sir 1/27/07

Today, on my way to class, I saw the moon, white against a cloudless blue noon sky. I've always loved seeing the moon in the middle of the day, beautiful where it doesn't belong. I think you might be the only one who knows that about me. I remember seeing the moon about the front of my old university as I walked down the main drive. I seem to remember always smiling, thoughs of you never far away when I saw that magical sight. I think I felt like that was some amazing gift you gave me, just being able to be in a place like that. When I threw it away, I think I was sorriest that I disappointed you, squandering the opportunity you'd given me. On the other hand, I feel like I have some hope of succeeding at this school this time around because I feel like I need to and I feel like I"m in the same boat as everyone else, trying to create my own opportunities and just get ahead alittle. But it's mine, all mine, whether I succeed or fail, and fuck everyone else.

Thursday I bought the latest Snow Patrol album. Track #6 makes me cry. I guess I imagine it is how you feel about me. "You could be happy, I hope you are. You made me happier than I'd been by far... Do the things that you always wanted to. Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do. More than anything I want to see you go, Take a glorious bite out of the whole world." Unfortunately, I can't seem to sum up how I feel about you so well.

I've never wanted to not want you in my life, but I do. You saved me when I thought I could not be redeemed, but I can't adhere to your orthodoxy. I never could. (I"m not sure you can either, though.) I always wanted to believe, but faith has always exacted too high a price. But my god abandoned me long before I abandoned him.

And yet I live with your ghost everyday. Though I'm not sure if it's the ghost of you or the ghost of my image of you. Either way, it still remains. A voice in my head that is more than just an extension of my conscience but also the color commentator for my day-to-day. The opposition to every weakly-supported argument I concoct. The arms that hold me when I'm out of control. The hand that calms me, stroking my hair until I feel I can rest.

I have a new lover, of a sort, now. Our peculiar relationship forces me to re-examine my beliefs and prejudices, my fears and desires. My experiences have refuted many of your carefully crafted hypothesises. When each experience with my lover ends, I feel free and unencumbered in a way I've never known before. But I have little desire to share my every truimph with this new lover as I still do with you. I don't need to know their mind as I still yearn to know yours. I do not ache in the pit of my stomach for their companionship, for a favorable smile from their lips.

I am sorry.

I'm Gonna Find Another You-John Mayer

To Sir, with Love

I'm Gonna Find Another you-John Mayer
It's really over,
you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through,
I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons
but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another,
I hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you

60 in a 35

I love cars. They can be so many different things, depending on what you need and how you use them. Obviously, cars are for transportation, but where you are coming from, where you are going, and why can vary greatly. I've often used my vehicle as a get away car, fleeing the scene of wrecks I'm caused in my life. I've used cars to speed me to loved ones. I've used cars to get me to where I make a living and to the places that have taught me how to make a better one. I've used my car to transport my mind as well, the steady rhythme of the road and the steady messages of the music I play allowing my mind to make gigantic trips. After a particularly nasty incident with a salesperson, I used a car to brutalize the object of my anger. (At least in my mind as I ran over pedestrians. In Grand Theft Auto III.)

Tonight I used a car to get the thrill that I had been seeking elsewhere. Tonight I was somewhere that I didn't plan on being. I thought I would have a handy excuse with work and night classes to gain some distance, both for thinking and to heighten the experience I was expecting over the weekend, when there was no work to rush off to the next morning and plenty of time for play all night. The time constraints of the work week doesn't allow for such fun then. But, as the best laid plans of mice and men go astray, so do I. And my plans. While I went to the place I go to for fun, that kinda of fun was not to be had tonight, leaving me to drive home alone, with no encouragement that I would be fulfilled anytime soon, to find my own amusement. The streets here in the suburbs are pretty dead at 11pm on a Wednesday night, at least compared to the larger cities I have lived in, or even the suburb my Grandmother lives in. So I drove as hard and fast as I could down the straight road that leads back to my house. Not as fulfilling as what I wanted, but I guess it will have to do.

Ani Difranco - Shy
the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns the road to water
and then from water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself in it to think

and back in the city
the sun bakes the trash on the curb
the men are pissing in doorways
and the rats run in herds
i've got a dream of your face
that scares me awake
i put too much on my table
and now i got too much a stake

and i might let you off easy
yeah i might lead you on
i might wait for you to look for me
and then i might be gone
where i come from and where i'm going
and i'm lost in between
i might go up to that phone booth
and leave a veiled invitation on you machine

and you'll stop me, won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

the door opens, the room winces
the housekeeper comes in without a warning
and i squint at the muscular motel lady
say 'hey good morning'
and she jumps, her keys jingle
and she leaves as quick as she came in
and i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin

well, the sheets are twisted and damp
and the heat is so great
and i swear i can feel the mattress
sinking underneath your weight
oh sleep is like a fever
and I'm glad when it ends
and the road flows like a river
and pulls me around every bend

and you'll stop me, won't you...
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns road to water
and water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself
in it to think

and you'll stop me, won't you...
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

American Hardcore: The Movie

I am so hopped up that I have no idea how I’m going to get to sleep at all tonight. I just got back from seeing American Hardcore, this amazing documentary about the rise of hardcore punk in the US. Listening to all that hardcore music for an hour and forty minutes just gets under your skin, so now my heart and my head are beating just like that music and I’m so hyped up I can’t stand it. It also doesn’t help that I had a fun little skidding incident on the road coming back from the theater. It had just started raining and the street was slicker than I thought. I was coming up to a stoplight with two cars stopped in front of me. I thought I would be stopped in plenty of time, but a second after I hit the brakes I realized that my wheels weren’t turning but the car was still moving, skidding right into the car stopped in front of me. Luckily, as I was steering toward the left turn lane, which was empty, the light changed, the car in front of me started moving, and the skid stopped, almost all at the same time. But I could still feel my heart in my throat for five minutes afterward.

But, anyway, on with the movie. It was really amazing to see all the performance footage of these bands just roaring, the crowd so aggressive. Also, to know that most of these bands started in 1979-1981, when most of the band members were teenagers, and the whole movement was pretty much dead by 1986. And it was all grassroots, all-ages, play anywhere, DIY attitude. These bands knew they would probably never get airplay on the radio, or sell a bunch of records, or ever be mainstream, and that was what they wanted. They wanted to be the antithesis of mainstream. It showed how a lot of the LA and DC bands were made-up of more suburban and privileged kids who just wanted to rebel against the whole Reagan, dawning of a new America, faux 1950s perkiness, disco & 1970s hold-over rock. But on the other hand, the NY scene was made-up of a lot of street kids who weren’t really rebelling but had instead found a home in the hardcore scene that traveled into their town from LA and DC, which they took to another level. The sections on the NY hardcore scene remind me of Warriors because that was what NY was at the time, before Guiliani turned the city into the family-friendly place it is today.

Two things really struck me, one while I was watching the movie and the other on the road home. The first thing that struck me, while I was watching the movie, was how amazing this time period was for those involved. It is the same thing that struck me when I was watching Nomi song, though this music movement happened about a decade later. But they were creating something out of nothing that was by them and for them. In the hardcore scene, these were teenagers and outcasts making music for other teenagers and outcasts. How often can that be said? Most of the time, the teenage fans of a band or a music movement are a generation behind those bands making the music, because it took the band that long to get to a place where they could be heard. But because they were making their own way at the time among their area and age group and “hit the big time”, there wasn’t that generation gap. But it seems like one of those movements in history that can never and will never be recreated, that you had to live in to really appreciate it, though if you were living in it, you had no way to recognize how big and special and great it really was.

On the drive home, however, I was thinking that, if these guys (and girls, sometimes) were in their teens, maybe early twenties, when they started these bands in 1979-1981, then when the hardcore scene was over in the late 1980s, these guys were only in their mid-twenties. I can’t imagine being 25 and the biggest, greatest thing you ever did, ever wanted to do, is already over. I’m 24 and I definitely feel like my life hasn’t even started, but these guys took chance I don’t think I could ever take. Like touring when you don’t even know what kind of a place you are going to find when you show up, you don’t know how or if or how much you are going to get paid, you have to front your own money for records or tapes that you don’t know if anyone will buy, like traveling to play in other cities and being thankful that you have a place to crash on the floor of another band’s apartment, like knowing that the aggression you bring out in your fans could get you punched in the face, like knowing you could get hauled off and/or beaten by the cops at one of your own shows. And then, just as fast as it began, maybe even faster, the whole scene just disappears. I’m sure that these guys have done other things in the 20 years that followed but I doubt it was easy to try and create a new life after having that life for five years. Especially when you know that you haven’t even lived a quarter of your life yet. You have three-quarters of your life left to live, but the biggest, coolest shit is what you’ve already done. I wonder how many of them just kinda fizzled out, drugged out, killed themselves. I think I’ll try to find the book that the movie was made from. Hopefully it will have more answers about the later lives of these guys. I don’t think I’ll ever like hardcore music. But the movie and the movement it was about is awesome. As in, I am in awe of it. See it, live it, love it.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Wow! It is crazy out there!!!! Today was my holiday crunch day--tons of stuff to do and no time other than today to do it. I leave tomorrow right after work, driving 4 hours to my grandparents house in my mom's nicer car with all the presents. So, today from 10 am when I got off work until about 3 pm I had to squeeze in all that I had to do while dodging lots of cranky shoppers and drivers. Condensed list for today in order: Work, Best Buy for Grandpa's Birthday gift (too many people for 10am on a weekday!), Costco for prescription, Hollywood Video for movies to entertain my family with (or maybe just for me), lunch, school for ID card (closed :( ) and parking permit, Half Price Bookstore for Secret Santa giftcard (also bought stuff for me, oops), Red Lobster for gift card, and some place for kitty litter and a birthday card. This might not be alot of stuff for most people, especially these high functioning Johnson County soccer moms out here, but since just getting to work and doing nothing else is still an achievement for me, this was A LOT for a few hours. But I did it all and now I'm done (kinda...) Breath. Breath. Sing mean Christmas songs (or any songs) at the top of my lungs, dancing, smiling, shaking my now-longish hair. So here is the song that is in my head. Take it for what you will.

I Will Be Hating You for Christmas- Everclear
Thanks for the christmas card
I dont want to hear about your new job now
I dont want to hear about your new boyfriend
I dont want to hear about it all working out for you
No, I dont want to hear it now

I dont want to hear about your swinging new place
I dont want to hear how everyone thinks its great
I just want to sit in our apartment and hate you
Yes, I will be hating you for christmas

You can have the christmas tree
Remember when we bought it at the store down the street?
Remember when I found that cheesy color wheel?
I dont want to think about the lights on your white skin
No, I dont want to think about it

I dont want to think about last year at your dads
We said it was the best sex that we both ever had
I don't want to think about my face in your soft hair
I will be hating you for christmas...

I must be losing my mind
There's gotta be a better way to deal with the pain
There's gotta be a better way to deal with the hate
Wish that I could find some way to make you go away
Wish that I could have a drink and make you fade
I wish that I could have myself a drink and make you fade
I wish that I could have a drink and make you go away
Yeah make you go away
Wish that I could make you go away

I will be hating you for christmas
Yeah I will be hating you for christmas...

Thanks for the christmas card

OMG!! What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?!?!?

Oh My God! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!? Everytime I get near a relationship or near the possibility of a relationship, I turn into this absolutely fucking crazy girl-monster-bitch!!!! I loose all reason and self-control. I just don't know what happens to me. Now, when I know it is just sex or just fooling around, I have gotten control of my more crazy 'girlfriend' impulses, especially because I don't want to scare off a good repeat lay by acting like I am or want to be their girlfriend, especially when I don't. Unfortunately, when the situation is more ambigious and I have to live in that ambiguity for an extended period of time, I go crazy. As I am right now. Which is probably ruining any and every chance I have. I am so fucked!

Integrity: 0, Desire: 1

So, for those of you playing along at home, I am nowhere near actually implimenting the ideas of the Ani song "Manhole" that I so love. What she doesn't say is that sometimes you need to learn the same lesson several million times before you can actually live it. And this time integrity definately did not win over desire. I still haven't found that thing that isn't danger/potential for bad treatment/etc that will cause light my fire for someone, but I have found that danger/potential for bad treatment/etc still do it for me. I've always loved to watch fires, imagine myself inside that warmth. For kids are told by their parents not to put their hand on the stove or in a fire, but some kids still have to do it once just to be sure that it really is an unpleasant experience. I know that fire will burn me. I know that fire will hurt me. I guess I just still can't convince myself that those aren't the things I want.

"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"-John Mayer
No i'm not the man i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can want you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
I see through, through your love?
Who do you love, me or the thought of me?
me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

Other Interesting Quotes from Bastard

Eric Bartels, "My Problem with Her Anger," Bastard on the Couch, p. 127- "Anger, justified or not- if acted mostly as a release without the clear-cut agenda of provoking change-is selfist and juvenile, obnoxious and unattractive, and it got you nowhere."

Anthony Giardina, "A Brief History of the (Over)involved Father," Bastard on the Couch, p. 155- "Perhaps the best you can ever expect from a battle between internal contradictions is a truce."

Vince Passaro, "Why Men Lie (and Always Will)," Bastard on the Couch, p. 219- "The full truth, the whole thing, almost never feels to us like a viable option."
Maybe that is why some men I know, hell, some people I know, still never tell the whole truth.

I finished the book a few days ago and I really liked it, just as much, if not more than I liked the original Bitch in the House. I think that all people, especailly all people considering moving in together, marriage, or who are already married, should read both these books. They definately made me look at myself and those I've been involved with, am involved with, in a more compassionate way, pushing me to evaluate them not just as a man or a woman, but as themselves and the various ways that they fulfill, rebel against, and are oppressed by what is expected of them based on their sex.

I'm Going Back to School

Ever since I moved back into my parents' house after getting depressed, quitting my job, and dropping out of (yet another) school, I kept saying that I was going back to school soon. But semesters came and went and I still wasn't any closer in to going back to college to finish my degree. For the past two years, when it was time to start the application process, I was too busy to go back to school or too depressed or working too much, etc. But things kinda fell into place recently. Even though I was going through lots of depression issues and experiencing a serious rift with my bestfriend (which only exacerbated the depression), I decided to at least try, at least apply to the metro college and apply for financial aid. I did almost everything online, so I could even do it while sitting on my ass, watching prime time TV. The biggest break for me was that, because of my age, the FAFSA does not take into account my parents' income, so I am ellegible for more financial aid. I filled out the application form online and had my transcripts sent in during October. In early November, I filled out the FAFSA, though I wasn't sure I would get any money, since I was applying so late. I was afraid I would have to put off going back to school for another semester, until Fall 2007. But today I got my financial aid award letter. For just the one semester, I got way more than I would need to pay for classes and books. Of course, they also prefaced this on me having an out-of-state residency (since I live just over the state line from the University), but this metro college gives an in-state rate to students living in the metro area, even over the state line, so I'll need even less of the money that I have available. In essence, I could get kicked out of my parents house, get fired from my job, and still have enough money to go to school!!!!! I'm so excited. I really want to go back to school because I love learning and classes and homework (yes, even homework). I was also really tired of feeling like I would never get my degree because I was such a loser. There is still a lot of work to go once I am in school and working, but I am excited just to have this opportunity. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attraction

Bastard On the Couch, p. 8- In talking about the pasts of the older women he's dated, Panio Gianopoulos writes, "Whatever their amorous histories, almost all had, by now, enough romantic experience to have overcome the girlish draw toward being treated badly."

-Is that why I haven't been attracted to the very attractive people I've had dates with recently? Like nice lesbian K, who is perfect on paper for me but draws no sparks? Vs. repeat fling X who does but that I hardly ever see and only for sex (though I don't feel particularly slighted by this lack of contact because of how we set up everything but I'm not sure he'd be a boyfriend who treated me any different than he currently does.) I was kinda put off last night by the fact that I didn't have that spark with last night's date C, the kind of spark that I have had early on in other long-term relationships. But my other significant others did have elements of danger, illicitness, or bad-boy/girl/behavior. Even exSir. Hell, in some ways, I wonder if I'm willing to try to keep my friendship with exSir just so he can treat me like he had been before we stopped talking a few months ago. I know from the experience of the last few months that I can get along fine, or better than fine, without him. And after the experience of finally talking to him last week, I know that he creates uncontrollable emotion and chaos in my heart and mind, if not my life.

-I think for some women the draw to being treated badly might be a girlish one, something they grow out of, but it seems to be pathological in many. Something they don't get over because they never gain the wisdom, foresight, confidence or whatever it is that enables them to call it, for "integrity to finally win out over desire" as Ani sings.

-Is it just "girlish"? Is that maybe why exSir started out not as physically attracted to his K as he had been to previous (though bad/crazy) girls? Because he didn't feel that immediate danger/bad treatment/craziness in her? Is that why she was attracted to him? While I still don't think keeping your bestfriend who is also your ex-gf close is necessarily treating your current gf badly, she obviously did but stayed long after it should have been evident that he wouldn't cut off contact with me. Even now, she won the victory but he's still trying to be my friend now. Is exSir's staying despite not having that initial spark sexually a sign of maturity or, as I thought at the time, just forcing himself into a relationship devoid of that spark because he wants to act like sex isn't important to him, when sex is important to all relationships and without that spark, the relationship would never work? If I continue to not experience that spark sexually with people (especially if I decide that sexual spark is ONLY caused by danger/bad treatment) should I force myself to keep on with someone I find attractive in all other ways? Or is that just going to be a recipe for disaster because I'll be tempted away by the first danger/badness spark that comes along, especially because the sex with the main partner is lackluster without that spark? Can you have both-sexual spark and good treatment? Maybe I should say, Can I have both? Or is there a different but equally or more powerful spark based on something that isn't danger/badness and I just haven't experienced it yet?

Romance is so confusing.

Monday I went to the Ani DiFranco concert in Lawrence. It was amazing! I've wanted to catch her live since I bought Living in a Clip, my first Ani cd and a live double disk. She did not disappoint. Even (at least) six months pregnant, she played for hours, ethusiastically and energetically. She was terrific. Until last month, when a co-worker loaned me her Ani collection, I had only heard her two live doulbe disks. Needless to say, I didn't recognize as many of the songs as I would have liked, but on the other hand, that does drive me to really check out more of her disks. The song below was one of the first she sang and it is amazing. I really love that last line about "Integrity winning out over desire." I hope there comes a day when I can say that. My mom accompanied me to concert. It was a fitting end for her birthday weekend. She had taken Monday off work so that she had a three-day weekend, and, even though my emotionally ignorant step-father went out of town for the weekend to help his brother put in a part for his refrigerator, I still think my mother had a good time. She did a little shopping on Saturday, then I took her out for dinner and a movie (The Departed, which was excellent, in spite of its stars). Monday, we spent the day shopping and then going to the concert. Even though she might not listen to Ani outside of that, I think she really had a good time. The only thing I didn't like was seeing this woman that I had kinda tried to date a few years ago but probably really let down since i was stuck on someone else at the time. Her and her wife were there. I went up and talked to her, after my initial shock and a moment of hiding in my seat. I got her number, on the pretense of inviting her and her wife out with my friends, but I'm not sure if I'll ever call her. She had lost a lot of weight (while I've gained a lot since we last saw each other) but I actually find her less attractive than I used to. Weird, huh? Oh well. Without further ado, the great song I heard.

Manhole- Ani DiFranco
I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
Like love's mementos usually do
And I look up to see who's different here
The latest me or the latest you

Course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
He just doctors everything
Chooses some unassuming finger
And quietly moves his wedding ring
Who rewrites his autobiography
For any pretty girl who'll sing
But you can't fool the queen, baby
Cuz I married the king

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I kissed you on the street that night
On the far side of four
But I didn't like the taste
In my mouth or yours
And ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit
For once I had the balls to call it
Just call it
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
And heartache not so dire
Cuz I looked up to see integrity
Finally won over desire

Diets

This is my sixth week on Weight Watchers. I decided to do something drastic (by which I mean do anything at all to loose weight, other than talk about it) after going to the doctor for that skin thing and found out I weighed alot more than I thought, at least according to the wonderfully callibrated doctor's office scale. In addition to just being horrified at my real weight, I have to deal with feeling uncomfortable in my skin, asthma, acid reflux, and a complete lack of self-confidence, especially when it comes to flirting and dating. And I'm happy I started this. I have learned a good deal more about portion size and tracking what I eat. It has gotten me more motivated, so that I will continue on with this. While I haven't lost much weight, definately not as much as my mom, but I have lost 5.5 pounds, as of the week before last, and a couple pairs of pants that were very VERY tight before I started this are now very comfortable. This encourages me to continue with this and to ramp it up by exercising.

But as I have been paying more attention to what I eat, I have also been thinking about food, dieting, etc, and how those things effect my life and society.

My mother and I don't always go to the same meeting. A few weeks ago at her meeting, the meeting leader stressed how important it was for everyone to realize how little room they would have in their daily diet for extras once they got down to the weight they should be and that it would not leave them room for much, if any junk food. I think this was to stress that one needs to change what and how they eat for the rest of their lives, not just while they are IN Weight Watchers and coming to meets and still have weight to loose. I had realized this in the first week or so of being on Weight Watchers. They have a points system (the point value of each food is based on dietary fiber, calories and fat) for you to evaluate what you eat. As you loose weight, the points you are allowed per day goes down. In my first week, as I was struggling against constant hunger and craving sugar and grease, I realized that, if I wanted to keep my weight down once I lost the weight, I would have to keep my food intake about the same, monitoring myself occasionally to make sure I was still sticking to it daily as much as I thought I was. I couldn't just loose the weight and then live however I wanted to, eating whatever I wanted to after this period of deprivation. What I was then thinking of as deprivation would have to be my way of life, forever, if I wanted to keep my weight down.

Thursday I went shopping for some new bras (since the first place I lost weight was my chest) and workout gear that I hadn't stolen from (now ex) boyfriends. Once again, as I had a hard time finding clothing in my current size, I was reminded of even more reasons why I should be loosing this weight and keeping it off. Then, this weekend, my mother went shopping at several department stores at our local mall. One department store only carried casual knit separates in plus sizes, nothing appropriate for business attire, and another didn't even have plus size clothing!!! Recent studies have shown just how much of our population is overweight. It is not as if there are not overweight women who need plus size clothing. So why are plus sizes increasingly relagated to botiques or crappy selections? I'm not saying it is a conspiracy but more a matter of our culture. With each decade, it seems our ideas of beauty become narrower and further from what most people actually look like. But since that is what we are told we are supposed to look like, we'll struggle to become that, so that we can fit into the clothes we are told we are supposed to wear. If our bodies will never naturally and healthily (?) conform to that narrow definition of beauty, we feel like failures and use unhealthy behavior as a substitute for our lack of self-esteem, including over-eating and/or unhealthy eating, which takes us even further from that ideal. Shopping, buying, consuming, is about attaining more and more of what is culturally desirable. Being overweight is not culturally desirable, so buying comfortable, appropriate, flattering clothing designed especially for overweight people doesn't fit well into that mold. Also, ill-fitting, inappropriate, unflattering clothes then only solidify overweight people's idea that they are unattractive and will always be unattractive as long as they stay overweight. So then they spend money on the diet industry, which is just that, an industry. An industry that wouldn't exist without fat people wanting to loose weight and willing to try anything to do it. But DIETS don't work. As soon as you go off them, you will regain the weight. And them some. There are few profitable American industries or even companies that are based on giving people only what they need to live a continously healthy life. The most profitable American industries are those that help us life unhealthy lives or provide quick fixes to our unhealthy lives. The whole thing is depressing. I also have to remember that, even when I was a healthy weight, "regular" size clothing was often ill-fitting, uncomfortable, and unflattering for my body. This wasn't because of my weight, though I thought so at the time. I now think it has a lot more to do once again with those narrow definitions of beauty and how fashion is designed for that. In Spain, they (whoever THEY are) are not allowing models with an unhealthily low BMI to walk the runways during their fashion week. Many designers cried foul, saying that their clothing is designed to look best on those thin "gazelle-like" figures. So, if the top designers in the world are designing their clothes (which will be copied by designers lower on the rung), who is designing clothes for real people, even people who are just average?

So, what am I getting at??? Well... it is all fucked up. Everything is fucked up. I guess I feel it is better to think about these things, even as I'm feeding the beast. Also, maybe I can work to fight this in my children, if I have them or adopt or foster them. Maybe I can use this to influence people that cross my path. Maybe I can use this to be less hard on myself for my "shortcomings" and focus more on truly healthy living, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But no matter what, at least I'm having thoughts. That's something.

Friends Or Lack Thereof

Last night I was reading David Thomson's The Whole Equation, which looks at the history of Hollywood more as a function of movies AS A BUSINESS than film as an art. And there were several really interesting passages that I am just busting at the seams to talk about. Especially his discussion of how film as a form of mass media (one of the first forms of mass media, maybe the first true form of mass media) and an alternative to novels/reading that did not require participation or effort, was ephemeral and communal, and how that has changed America. He also touched on how method acting and that frame of mind that comes from it and filtered to the larger population has given us the feeling that we have a RIGHT to a constant malaise which leades to more people acting out their lives actually just living them, being.

What actually really got me going is that I was bursting to talk about all of these things and what it means for how we currently act, how I act and what, if anything, should be changed (in myself and in the larger culture). I really feel like, in addition to his profound message about American society, there is also a message for my life, though I'm not sure what it is.

This is when I realized that my MO is to bring this vague idea to others, bounce it off them to come up with something. That is why I am so ssad that I can't share it with anyone right now. Then it makes me wonder where this collaborative process comes from. Is it part of that feminine collaborative instinct that I'm always hearing about? Or is it just that I'm not smart enough or self-confident enough to trust my own instincts and extrapolate for myself? I'm not sure what it is- a strength or a major fault?

But it also got me wondering what other people do when they hae these kinda thoughts (or read other interesting thoughts they want to share). Do they keep them inside? Do they journal or write poetry? (I'm guessing not since, among people I know/have known, it isn't all that common.) Or do they just not have those thoughts? Do they not get blown away by the new thoughts of other people? the thoughts that other people's thoughts provoke in them? I wish they would tell me so that I could do what they do.

Emergency Contraception

About a month ago, in discussing current political issues with a close friend who is fiscally conservative but pragmatic in his morals, we got into an argument about emergency contraception and the news that it would finally be availble over-the-counter (though only to people 18 and over). Since this incident, I have decided that he was "in a mood" and that he might not say the same flippant things he said that night, but that night he towed at least part of the Christian conservative Republican line, saying that easily available OTC EC would only lead to more and more people having unprotected sex, knowing that they can just get EC the day after at their local Walgreens and not have to deal with getting pregnant, that it would lead to more people making bad decisions and then covering it up afterwards. There are several very logical and reasonable counterpoints to this, which I gave him, to no avail that night. Tonight I am reminded about why EC over-the-counter, to all ages, without pharmacists being given permission to deny people OTC EC for "religious reasons". About a month ago, a popular feminist blogger told her story about being denied EC. She has been with her "boyfriend" (I'd prefer to say partner) monogamously for several years. She has three children already that she takes care of. She cannot take birth control pills and her and her partner have been relying on condoms for quite some time. The condom slipped off. When she went to the pharmacy to buy EC, she was informed that it would not be available until after the New Year. She called her regular physician, but, as it was over the weekend, she only got a call back, saying that she should go to the emergency room to get it. She did. The nurse told her that there was only one doctor of the three on duty who would even consider prescribing EC, but only if she was raped. When she continued to push, the nurse said the doc might prescibe it if she was married. She was neither. She was denied EC during the period when it would be effective. Upon her posting of this story which most liberal bloggers found absolutely horrible, she recieved hate-mail/comments and e-mails masquerading as helpful herbal remedies that could help her induce a miscarriage but would probably kill her if she took them. One particularly aweful person said that if they ever met her they would savagely rape her several times before killing her. Now she is pregnant. (From her current post and some of the blog comments, it seems she was prescribed EC later, but after it would have been effective so, surprise! it didn't work.) So, in addition to being shocked and appalled about how hard it is for many people (normal, responsible, middle-class, insured, unafraid adults) to get EC, I am also despondent over these comments. I recognize that there are people on the internet who are just crazies, but most plain crazies are more interested in conspiracy theoried than death threats to liberal feminist bloggers. These people making these comments are "pro-life". I have to say that I've never heard any of this level of vitreol from pro-choice advocates. I'm just so sad over all of this. And I'm just as sad thinking that I might have been wrong. That in the clear light of day, my friend might side with these crazies, instead of looking at all the reasons couples and women should have as many options as are safe and viable. Fuck.

Here's the most recent post from that blogger, who I am keeping in my thoughts. Take care all.
http://bitingbeaver.blogspot.com/2006/10/hiatus-will-start-after-this-post.html

Foley

As I watch various television news programs, visit liberal blogs, and listen to conservative talk radio hosts, I have a hard time taking a firm stance on this controversy. There are several issues that contribute to this.

1.Previous Political Sex Scandals
Mostly I am thinking of one similar incident that many conservatives are bringing up. They keep mentioning Democrat Gerry Studds. I had no idea who this guy was so I looked it up. It seems in 1983 two congressmen were given slaps on the wrists by the Ethics Committee for having affairs with under 18 pages. One of them had an affair with a 16 year-old female page and he was very remorseful and didn’t run again. The other was Gerry Studds who had a sexual relationship with a male page, who I think was 17 years old when they had their affair in 1973, ten years before the actions were made public. Unlike the other congressman, Studds did not apologize. In fact, he held a press conference with that page standing by his side in which they both claimed that the affair was completely consensual and no one else’s business. Studds was re-elected several times. In fact, it seems that he is better known as a hero in the gay community. The conservatives who bring up the Studds incident are pointing out that Studds was still well regarded even though what Studds did was worse, yet he did not resign (as Foley had done) and was re-elected several times (as Foley will not be). They believe that this shows how Democrats are treated differently than Republicans.
I have to agree on the face of it with what the conservatives are saying. Studds and Foley seem to have been treated differently, though I was not able to find any press from the time of the Studds incident to show me what happened to him back in 1983. Also, on the face of it, what Studds did was worse- he had a sexual relationship with a page, while Foley only had sexually suggestive internet conversations with a page. (Whether he would have walked the walk if given a chance is up to debate.) On the other hand, consent and mutual involvement is another matter, as the page in the Studds incident was, at least by his own statements, a willing participant in what happened while the page Foley was conversing with seemed, at best, ambivalent about what was happening. (While he continued to chat with Foley, he also forwarded e-mails Foley sent him to a superior of the pages, calling it “Sick, sick, sick.”) If two congressmen, on Republican and one Democrat, were caught tomorrow doing the same exact thing, both on the committee for Missing and Exploited Children, I would hope that both of them would resign and that both would be judged just as harshly. If they were not, I would jump on anyone treating one less harshly, whether the congressman given the pass was a Republican or a Democrat.
What gives me pause however is that these incidents happened at two very different times. In the 70s, many people still married young. My own mother married in 1975 (or so) at 17 years old. Unless you were wealthy and went to college, when you graduated high school, if you graduated high school, at 17 or 18 years old, you went to work and were an adult. Also, The Graduate, was released six years before the Studds event happened, making it seems en vogue for older married women to do what some of their husbands had been doing for decades, have affairs with younger people. (Though in the movie, the younger person was a recent college grad, not high school grad.) Also, the affair was not publicly revealed until 10 years after the fact, plenty of time for the page to get over the thrill of being desired by an older mentor and start to realize that they may have been taken advantage of by an authority figure. (Though it is also plenty of time for them to reap the benefits for being on the good side of a powerful figure, giving them more incentive to possibly lie to keep those benefits.) There also seems to be little paper trail pertaining to this affair, or at least little that became public, that could dispute Studds and the page’s claim that the affair was consensual, or to give tantalizing or disgusting details to the press.
On the other hand, 16/17 year olds are not judged as they used to be. After high school, many teenagers are expected to go to college. Even if they have full-time jobs right after high school, most teenagers are expected to get either further education or further training in a field before starting “real adult life.” Few 17 year olds are getting married these days. They might have a child, but few will get married until later in life. Among teenagers that do go off to college immediately after graduating high school, many of them remain close to their parents, relying on them for not only financial support, but also emotional support. I’ve read several articles in Newsweek alone in the past year about how parents of college students talk to their children every day, calling to wake them up for class, contacting professors that their children are having problems with. Several colleges are offering parent orientation with tips on how to maintain contact with their children while also pushing them to be responsible for their own life and problems. This is vastly different from the 70s when many college students broke off from their parents, visiting on holidays and over the summers, calling sporadically, dealing with their problems on their own, using college as a stepping stone into adulthood instead of a furthering of their adolescence. While older people (both men and women) may have affairs with younger people, they usually face harsher consequences, more public admonishments, and fewer of these affairs are kept private and swept under the rug. While we might make light of these affairs in personal and private conversations, the public morality is strongly against them, backed a general feeling that these young people are always taken advantage of by the older participant, that these young people are always hurt in the long run by these affairs, and that the older participant should have better judgment than to get involved in these affairs. This is also a time in which the internet provides both the means for older people to maintain contact with younger people and the means to expose the relationship and the details of the relationship. Nearly every Friday night, NBC runs footage of another sting operation where men are arrested for soliciting someone they think is a teenager (usually 13 or 14 years old) over the internet and showing up for sex. These men are then confronted by the NBC reporter about why they are there, who they intended to meet, how old that person was, and what they had planned to do. Then, they are arrested. One of the nation’s leading conservative hosts, Bill O’Reilly, is a major backer of laws for mandatory minimums in cases involving child molestation, coming down on states that do not pass this law. Also, the congressman involved in this controversy is a member of the committee dealing with missing and exploited children, the co-sponsor of bills that make soliciting a minor for sex over the internet illegal.

2. Consent
In DC, the age of sexual consent is 16 years old. Assuming that this law was the same in the 1970s, Gerry Stubbs did nothing illegal. If Foley had slept with this page in DC, he also would not have done anything illegal. However, Foley did not sleep with him. He discussed sex and seems to have made attempts to solicit someone under 18 for sex over the internet. That is covered by a completely different set of laws. I will be the first to admit that I am NOT well versed in these laws. But if these laws say that it is illegal for someone over 18 to solicit someone under 18 for sex, then what Foley did would seem to be illegal, even if it would be legal for him to have sex with said minor.
Of course, while legal consent is determined fairly strictly by the law according to age, full mutual consent is something different. Especially in feminist circles, full consent usually relies on both (or all, if there are more than 2 people are involved) parties to be on equal footings with no major power differential. Even if nothing illegal happened, both Studds and Foley are swimming in murky ethical water. Can someone so much younger than you, who you have authority over, who may be dazzled by your wealth, power, and prestige, and who could benefit greatly their whole life by staying on your good side truly step away from all those things to rational and independently give consent? Or will the older authority figure always be taking advantage of the younger one? To be wholly ethical, I believe the authority figure should always turn down romantic relationships with younger people they have authority over, no matter how much the younger person seems to be a willing, consenting participant, even if only until that person is no longer under their authority. They should always follow both the rule and spirit of the law. Unfortunately, few people always act ethically, especially where romance and sex are involved.
I have to admit that I have rarely acted ethically in romantic and sexual matters. There were even more times when I WANTED to act unethically, especially with older authority figures, but was never given the chance. I have been lucky in the fact that most of the older authority figures I was interested in were either completely uninterested in me (most likely) or wiser and more in control of themselves, never allowing us to become entangled in a romantic or sexual relationship. On the few occasions I found myself pursued by older authority figures, or at least felt they would not have turned down a romantic or sexual relationship, I was only once faced with someone that I had any interest in. While his interest in me was at first very flattering, I quickly began to feel less than comfortable during our interactions. Despite knowing how inappropriate our interactions were, I did not feel comfortable telling him to stop, especially since I was flattered by someone like him being sexually interested in someone like me. My line of thinking at the time was, If I was flattered by his interest, it must not be so wrong and my discomfort must be caused by something else, perhaps my own immaturity and nervousness. Years later, after getting to know him better, his history, his opinions, and hearing several accounts of his similar behavior towards other females under his authority, I see that I was not special for catching his attention. Anything with breasts and a vagina caught his attention and he pursued anyone he thought might have low enough self-esteem to be receptive. This is why I plan on acting as ethically as possible, in spite of any romantic or sexual feelings I may have, if I am ever in a position of authority over anyone, especially someone significantly younger than myself. I’d much rather someone look back on me as the older mentor they wanted but never got than the person they wanted to be their mentor until that person creepily came on to me.

3. Hypocrisy?
On his program today, Rush Limbaugh said that Democrats accept bad behavior from members of their party because, unlike their Republican counterparts, Democrats believe that everyone has serious flaws that preclude them from acting in a moral way and that we should just strive to help and understand them. Republicans, while they may believe that humans are all flawed, expect everyone to act morally and do not coddle people when they have acted in immoral ways, especially serious immoral ways. Basically, only Republicans can be accused of hypocrisy because only Republicans have values that they stand up for that they may violate. Which, on the other hand, means that he thinks that Democrats cannot be accused of hypocrisy because they don’t have values, or at least not ones that they stand up and talk about. I’m sure T would agree fairly whole-heartedly with that. Limbaugh asserted that the only reason Democrats were really angry was because he was a hypocrite and that there may have been a Republican cover-up, but NOT about what Foley really did.
While, as I stated above, if two congressmen did the same thing at the same time while on the same committee but were on different sides of the aisle, I believe they should both be looked at and treated the same way, but, while the Studds’ controversy and the Foley controversy appear similar on the face, there are many ways in which they are different and either case could be looked at more harshly in the other, depending on how one looks at it. But, both as a liberal myself and from the liberal blogs I read, it seems to me that most liberals are truly mad about what Foley did. They do not think that it is acceptable to an older person in a position of authority to attempt to engage in a sexual relationship with an underage subordinate. They think this guy is a pervert and it is amazing that the guy who helped write the law on internet predators is caught violating it. His position on that committee makes him even more repugnant in their eyes. The only thing that seems to have enticed them into calling him a hypocrite is his statement about how disgusting it was for Bill Clinton to engage in a sexual relationship with an intern. In addition to this, they are upset that there may have been a cover-up by the members of Congress who knew about these e-mails and instant messages. I do not think I’ve read a single post saying that what Foley seems to have done is acceptable in any way shape or form.

Conclusion: The Studds and Foley controversies have many similarities and many differences. Both men acted unethically and immorally, even if what they did was not illegal. Anyone who knew of their actions should have stood up and said something to protect these boys who were both minors and subordinate to these men. I don’t know if Foley is being treated differently than Studds JUST because he is a Republican. I’d like to believe it is because of the different times these actions occurred in. Please feel free to comment with your take on this story.

Nine Years Old

As I was driving by my old apartment complex last night, passing what used to be my friend Brandy's apartment, I realized something. Her daughter just turned 9 years old last month. 9. Wow.