Thursday, June 22, 2006

How Much Does Size Really Matter???

I'm a big girl. Honestly, I've spent all my life thinking I was fat, whether I really was or not. I still thought I was fat when I was down to 125 lbs after having not eaten for a year when I had mono. Looking back at those pictures now, I look way too skinny for my own good. Ever since then, when I was 16, I've been slowly but surely gaining more and more weight. I'm now up to 210 lbs, a woman's size 20, and am having minor health problems as a result. I am trying really hard to lose weight in a realistic way that I can keep up for my whole life- walking a couple times a week, cutting back on how much I eat, and turning down food that is bad for me more than I give in to it. I am trying to accept that I will never be as thin as I want to be but that I am beautiful in my own way, while also pushing myself to be more healthy overall, not just thinner.

But, on the other hand, I feel like my weight is a major barrier to my dating life. There are several boys and girls that I know currently that I would like to get to know better, in a romantic setting, such as a real date, even though I've been told people don't actually go on those these days. While I am trying not to loathe my body as much as I did in the past, I feel like all the people that I am interested in would never be interested in me because of my weight. While none of them are model-gorgeous, they all happen to be of about average weight, or, even worse, skinny. In all honesty, I'd be perfectly happy if they weighed more, but that just isn't the case. Every time I think about asking them out on a date, or even just flirting, I worry that they will be turned off by my weight and turn me down solely based on that. But, if I wait until I lose the weight, at least I will feel like I have a chance to be evaluated on who I really am. I'd really hate to lose the weight and then have them say "Hey, I'll date you now!" because then I really couldn't date them. While I could say that it would be best to find out now if they are shallow enough that they wouldn't date me because I am overweight, I would counter that they mostly only have my looks to go on at this point, which is different from imagining whether or not they would be with someone that they loved who gained weight. So I really don't know whether I should put off more aggressively pursuing dating, especially with those who are average/thin, until I lose some of the weight I want to lose.

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