Saturday, June 17, 2006

Late Friday Night

I played the Dixie Chick's song that's been inspiring me, Taking the Long Way, for you. It didn't seem to do alot for you. When I tried to explain why it really inspired me, that the song reinforced that it was alreight for me not to take the path I feel we are all told we are supposed to take, you acted like that was old hat. Like I should have moved on to something bigger and better by now. I wish I could have expressed to you how these songs, written and sung by intelligent and strong women like the Dixie Chicks or Ani Defranco, energize my heart and soul, help affirm everyday for me that as a woman, in spite of being a woman, just because I am a woman, I can and should do these things. In a lot of ways, it makes an even more powerful statement for me since it is coming from other women, especially because the negative things ringing in my head recently are also from a woman.

I didn't want to point this out for fear of huring you feelings, but I find it kinda funny that, now that I'm doing so much better, we've had to implement many of the things you said we wouldn't have to do when you first got with Katie. And that I'm actually volunteering to do them. I vividly remember you telling me that i could call or text you whenever I wanted to, as long as I knew you might not be able to get back to me if Katie was around. Now I've basically volunteered to do neither. But at least I can do it now. And I thank you for never pulling the rug out from under me. You graciously and patiently waited for me to get off the rug and back on solid ground before you and I pulled the rug up together.

On the way back to my grandparents', I was kinda cry-ified. I'm not even sure I could tell you why I wanted to call you so bad, just to hear you reaffirm our friendship once more and to reassure me that we'd all three be ok. But I didn't. Every moment on the trip back when I wanted to pick up the phone, I reminded myself of all the times you stayed on the phone with me even though what YOU really needed was space and time alone because you knew that I needed to talk. It makes me feel better to hope that I'm giving you what you need. It also makes me feel good that I can deal with moments like these on my own. Thank you.

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