Thursday, April 24, 2008

How Horrible is This?

Yesterday, I learned how truly easy it is to get a divorce in my suburban county. All of the forms are available online as Adobe PDFs that you can just print off from your computer. It even gives you explicit instructions on what forms you need to fill out for what and when. And my husband is starting to date someone (online) that he played with before, with my permission, and I'm pretty happy about that. Happy that he has someone else to care about him and take care of him, even if they are only dating. Things with TyRoy are... well, in many ways in stasis until I get my own life straightened out (job, divorce, money, depression, etc). I am happy, but I'm also kinda panicking. I have finally pushed myself to find out about the paperwork for the divorce, found out it could be just a matter of a couple pieces of paper in the mail and a couple signatures in front of some notaries and we will be separate individuals again.

You know what is so horrible?

The only thing that is standing in my way is my fear of being without health insurance.

Ok, ok, ok, I should backup. It's not as if there isn't a big part of me that worries that I'm doing the wrong thing. It's not as if I don't know that it is wrong to leave a man I love when he is already in a precarious situation, both physically and emotionally. It's not as if I'm not afraid that I'm going to end up alone. It's not as if I'm not afraid that I'll end up feeling like I let go of "the one" sometime down the line. It's not as if I don't selfishly desire the kind of worship that BT always heaped on me. It's not as if I don't lie next to TyRoy at night, trying to sleep, and think that, while he's a great guy and I'm excited to see where it all goes with him, TyRoy wasn't the one who took care of me throughout numerous very painful bladder infections, who stood by me all day as I stood by my dying grandfather, who was a pallbearer in his ACUs only days before the last time that we'd see each other until he got back from Iraq. (Not that I hold this against TyRoy, but it is just the truth.) It's not that I don't cry thinking about all the dreams that BT and I had and watching them crumble before me. All these things and a thousand other things flood my mind everytime I think about finalizing the dissolution of this marriage. But nothing scares me more than being financially adrift right now with all the medical bills that I am paying and worry of how I am going to pay the future bills for future visits to the doctor or the shrink or the therapist that I so desperately need or my anti-depressant medication which has no generic and is $101 a month without insurance. How fucking horrible is that? Sometimes I feel like the worst person in the whole wide world.

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