Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Long Time, No Post

Hello loyal readers. Well, you'll notice that there are several new posts that are back dated to when they happened in my head, but that I didn't post at the time for several reasons, the biggest one being that I have just been to fucking depressed to do much of anything and have been spending most of my time dealing with stuff with BT. Whatever isn't me directly dealing with stuff with my husband is basically me running away from dealing with stuff with my husband, or at least finding something to distract me from it.

The short of it is....my marriage is falling apart, will probably be ending soon. Depending on who you talk to and what their opinion is and which of us they are friends with more, it could be either of our faults or both of our faults. And, in all reality, I will gladly accept all the blame. There is a big part of me that feels like I should just be able to deal with this stuff, work around all of it, be a good wife to my deployed soldier. And I have tried. I really have. And, until I finally said that I was leaving, I went by the vows that BT and I made, which aren't the marriage vows that everyone makes, as we started with a (negotiated) open and honest relationship. While I don't want to get into too much detail, the problems that I felt I could no longer deal with had to do with money mismanagement and all the lying and hiding that I felt was going on with BT. Maybe I should have given it more time. He kept asking for more time. He also said that all of it would change when he got back, because I would be there to make sure it didn't happen. But I didn't want to be the one to do the changing for him. I don't want to be his mother or his babysitter. Doesn't mean I don't love him though. But I couldn't take the heartbreak that I felt everytime something new would be revealed, everytime I really believed that the last time was the last time only to find out that it wasn't. Mom always says that you know when it's time to go. And it is.

But I also think if you were to ask BT, he would say that our marriage is ending because of new "sex in a box" that I have. For the sake of the blog, we'll call him TyRoy. (I'll post an explanation later. It was his choice of psuedonym.) The short of that story is that I answered a Craigslist post from a man who wanted someone to talk to because he was having a hard time. I was too. It was early January. My grandpa had just died. My husband had just left for his mobilization site and I wasn't supposed to see him again until he got back from deployment. The guy was really nice. He was going through a bitter divorce from his wife, who he still felt like was his bestfriend. Because he was in the Army himself and had gotten back the year before from a year-long deployment (his second to Iraq), he knew how hard it could be to be a family going through a deployment. When BT got emergency leave because we were fighting hardcore over money issues (and other issues), TyRoy wrote an email to both of us, about how we could help each other. It was just friendly and we didn't exchange pictures or stats or even talk on the phone for quite a while. Until, that is, I answered another CL ad, a man looking for a woman to do some kink stuff with, attaching my picture, as I usually do. The next day, I found out it was the same guy that I'd been talking as friends with for the past month or so. Eventually, we decided to meet and then hook-up, but just as sex in a box. BT didn't veto me meeting him or having sex with him or staying over at his place, even though BT did/does have a huge problem with the fact that this guy is an officer. (For those fellow civilians unfamiliar with the military world, from all my experience with BT, enlisted men HATE officers and, not only are soldiers not supposed to fuck other soldier's spouses, but officers REALLY aren't supposed to fuck enlisted soldier's spouses.) Besides that, it was a good arrangement and we both supported each other in our other endeavors. I supported him in his search to find others to have sex with. He supported me in the same way and in trying to work on my marriage. In all honesty, even though my husband doesn't believe it, he was the real final holdout, telling me to stick with BT, work through it because he could tell how much I love him. But after I had finally decided to end the marriage, because of several factors, like the fact that I'd be closer to a job that it looked like I was going to take and to make fucking easier, TyRoy and I started talking about/around the subject of living together. And just the other day, he had made mention of marriage.

It's an interesting and difficult situation. Obviously, it doesn't make me look any less the bad guy in the divorce, though I've pretty much accepted that I'm the bad guy and that isn't going to change. I still love my husband very much and would be with him if I could deal with the other things that come along with it. I care very much for TyRoy. (Damn, I kinda hate that psuedonym because it makes it so much harder to talk in a serious way about anything. Oh well.) But I am not in love with him right now. I'm not ruling out that possibility, but it just isn't how it is right now. And I honestly don't think he's in love with me right now. I'm kinda glad about that though. I got swept off my feet once before and I think I probably swept BT off his feet too and look where that got us. I also know that I probably shouldn't be rushing into something serious so soon, or probably at all, but it was kinda serious before I even realized it and I can't just rewind and make it different. I also don't really know if I want to be with a military man again after all this. TyRoy will probably be stationed here for another couple years and then he'll go wherever they tell him to. Depending on the state of the wars America is involved in, he'll probably get deployed again from wherever we are at, which will be a place where I'll have no friends and family. What draws me to this, and I think TyRoy too, is, in large part, the convenience and ways in which we fit what the other is looking for. Neither of us wants to be monogamous. Both of us want fulfilling, supportive relationships (both sexually and otherwise) where we truly be ourselves and pursue those things that we want to. Also, we both do care about each other and want to take care of the other person. And, hell, that might really be what a good relationship/marriage is made of. Not this wonderful, amazing, make everything else disappear kind of love, but just the everyday dealing with things together and taking care of each other and promoting what the other wants to do.

But, for the most part, I'm kinda useless. I can't blame it all on the state of my marriage, though. Maybe I can blame it on the depression, but I'm not sure about that either. Maybe I should just blame it on being a lazy bum who wants to sleep all day. I fucked up the one job that I had lined up, though I probably shouldn't have wanted or taken that job anyway because it was.... complicated. I really need to get on looking for a job so that I can support myself, no matter what happens with BT or TyRoy or anyone. Plus, the health insurance company is finally coming through on paying their part of my hospital bills from my gallbladder surgery so I have to come up with my co-pays. Granted, the co-pays aren't nearly as much as the full surgery but they aren't exactly cheap either. And I really REALLY want to get myself back together enough to go back to school and finish. Well, finish getting a Bachelor's Degree. That degree might not actually get me more money at a job or anywhere at all really, but I have to at least say that I was able to do it. How many completely worthless assholes do I know who've had their BA for years and years now??? I was supposed to be the golden child and I can't manage to get mine in, what, 7+ years??? Come on now. But, that is what is up with me right now. Please feel free to comment, berate, whatever.

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