Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

So, with all this back and forth with BT, I've been so stressed, torn apart, not even knowing what to do, wanting to believe what he says but then finding more reasons not to. Today when I told him that it was really over. I just wanted a divorce. I was suicidal and not getting better and I just wanted out, one way or another. BT finally granted that he would do it, though he wasn't happy about it. And to go even further, he pushed me to reconsider and told him that he would come back to me anytime I asked him, no matter what his situation, as evidenced by the chat transcript below.....

BT (4/15/2008 11:25:29 AM): I am going to let you have this divorce Ava, I told you I would, but I will also tell you this that I am not going to give up on us!!!! I will always hope that one day, you will call me, or IM me or something, and say that you want us to be together, and no matter what, I will always do it
Ava (4/15/2008 11:25:40 AM): And if you're upset about it being "one-sided"[refering to the open marriage], why did you say, when you wanted us to get married, that you'd be ok with me going outside of the marriage but you didn't think you'd do that unless we played together????
BT (4/15/2008 11:25:50 AM): I am not BSing you, if you don't want kids, then fine, so be it
BT (4/15/2008 11:26:11 AM): cuz at first, I didn't think I could do it
BT (4/15/2008 11:26:30 AM): I had never been in an open relationship before
Ava (4/15/2008 11:26:42 AM): No, bc all you wanted was to be married and it did even matter to who.
Ava (4/15/2008 11:26:56 AM): So you said everything I wanted to hear to make that happen.
BT (4/15/2008 11:26:57 AM): that is fucking bullshit
Ava (4/15/2008 11:27:21 AM): All you want is to not be alone out there.
BT (4/15/2008 11:27:27 AM): If I just wanted to be married to someone, I would have married AJ
BT (4/15/2008 11:27:36 AM): or Kat, or someone else
Ava (4/15/2008 11:28:43 AM): Ok, I was just the best of the bunch, then.
BT (4/15/2008 11:29:04 AM): I fell in fucking love with you, I didn't want it to fucking happen, but it fucking did, that is why I fucking married you, why I want to stay fucking married to you, why I will always be ready at a drop of a hat for you to come back into my fucking life, and say that you want to be with me
BT (4/15/2008 11:30:03 AM): and why whenever you do come back into my fucking life, that I will always say"yes, I want to be with you", no matter what
BT (4/15/2008 11:30:54 AM): it could be 10 years from now, I could have moved on, got a new wife, had a kid or two, and if you came to me, and said you wanted us to be together, I would leave her in a heartbeat
Ava (4/15/2008 11:31:30 AM): You know I'
BT (4/15/2008 11:31:35 AM): I will do anything, give anything to stay and be with you
Ava (4/15/2008 11:31:43 AM): I'd never ask someone to leave their wife or kids.
BT (4/15/2008 11:32:09 AM): I would do it, to be with you, I would do it a million times over
BT (4/15/2008 11:32:28 AM): I love you ava, and when I said that you were my world, I meant it
Ava (4/15/2008 11:33:00 AM): I love you too BT. Goddess only knows how much I love you. But it fucking hurts too much.
Ava (4/15/2008 11:33:07 AM): And it hurts all the time.
BT (4/15/2008 11:33:13 AM): but I am done fighting with you for now, if you want the divorce, you have it, I hope in the end it is what you wanted
Ava (4/15/2008 11:33:33 AM): And not like it should. Not because you are over there and I worry about you. I do but that isn't the kind of hurt it is.
BT (4/15/2008 11:34:12 AM): I need to pull myself together, and quit fucking crying, and go take a shower
Ava (4/15/2008 11:34:26 AM): I'm sorry. Go take your shower.
BT (4/15/2008 11:34:40 AM): trust me, I know it fucking hurts, you are not the only one this is hurting like this

There was a little bit more discussion but I'll cut it off there because I think you get the idea. He will give me the divorce, even though he'd rather we stay together forever, or if not that at least for me to wait until he gets back from Iraq, or if not those two then to give him until July. And, you know, I almost believed him..... until, snooping in his email, which he gave me the password to, I found e-mails from a woman I knew he'd talked to before going out to Iraq, who now signed your emails, Your fiance, [her first name] [BT's last name]. He doesn't even want to give me the divorce but he's already engaged to another woman?!?!? I don't think that makes sense. Oh, and she was writing this during the time that I was talking about giving him another chance at all this. He hates TyRoy because he thinks that TyRoy stole me from him and threw a fit when I told him that TyRoy said (jokingly? not?) that I could marry him to get health insurance once I was divorced. (At the time, I was worried about how I was going to be without health insurance, saying that I would probably have to buy health insurance through my college.) But he wasn't asking me to marry him before I was ever really divorced or while I was saying that I wanted to stay married to BT. But BT has a fiance already who is already using his last name between the two of them.

You know, it really wouldn't bother me quite so much if he had ever mentioned being serious with this woman. He had mentioned how he was talking to two other women about the possibility of dating them once he and I were divorced, both women he had talked to before, but he said that, even when we weren't trying to reconcile, he told both of them that he wasn't sure he could be serious because he wouldn't be over me. But he never mentioned this woman as anything serious. If he had, it would have probably lit an even bigger fire under my ass to get the paperwork started, so he could have the divorce and move one, so he could be with her, free and clear, and I would wish him the best. And I have no clue why he would be resisting the divorce if he wants to be with her. Unless he doesn't, which I really hope isn't the case because she seems like a nice woman who has gone through a great deal of hardships and doesn't deserve to be screwed over. (Not that anyone deserves it, but... well, you know what I mean.)

So that's it. I'm done. Fuck this.

"I learned the hard way/ That they all say /Things you want to hear/ And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and /Your twisted words, /Your help just hurts/ You are not what I thought you were/ Hello to high and dry //Convinced me to please you /Made me think that I need this too /I'm trying to let you hear me as I am"- "Love Song" Sara Bareilles

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