Monday, October 15, 2012

The "don't let me leave you" Mixtape

Lady Antebellum "All We'd Ever Need" -
(Her:) Boy it's been all this time and I can't get you off my mind and nobody knows it but me.I stare at your photograph, still sleep in the shirt you left, and nobody knows it but me. Everyday I wipe my tears away. So many nights I've prayed for you to say, I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me. I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me and maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need. (Him:) My friends think I'm moving on, but the truth is I'm not that strong and nobody knows it but me. And I've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed and nobody knows it but me. But if you're happy I'll get through somehow, but the truth is that I've been screaming out, I should've been chasing you (Her:) You should've been trying to prove that (Him:) you were all that mattered to me. (Her:) Oh you should've said all the things (Him:) That I kept inside of me. (Her:) And maybe you could've made me believe (Him:) That what we had girl (Both:) Oh that what we had, what we had it was all we'd ever need. 

I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I've spent the last 12 years of my life trying to make him love me in the same way and as much as I love him. There were maybe 2 months in which he did and those were a decade ago.

He might be the person I'm closest to now, that I feel the strongest connection with, but not my best friend because he'll never really be my friend. He'll always be the one that got away.
Julie Roberts "Unlove Me" 
Unloose this hold you've got on me. Unlock this heart that can't get free...Unlove me. Unmake all the memories I can't forget. Unlove me. Let me go back to the way I was before we met...Unlove me. Untie all the strings between your heart and mine. Unlove me, but do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time.

My head knows we'll never be together, knows his reasons and that they won't change, even knows the reasons he probably isn't what I need, but my heart doesn't care.

Everything between us feels colored by my love for him, by our past relationship. It's hard when it feels like we play at a relationship over weekend holidays, but I'll never be his "real" girlfriend/partner/wife. Even if we didn't have sex or sleep together in same bed, just how close we are, how well we know each other, our conversations, still feel like a romantic love relationship.

Even after all the times this has played out, he still seems surprised. But, as we talked in the dark, some of the things that I said surprised me as well. Like how much trying to get over him, trying not to want to be with him, influenced my own 'summer of love' and even marrying BT.

Ani DiFranco "Napoleon"  
Now you think, 'So that's the way it's gonna be. That's what this is all about.' I think that 'that's the way it always was. You chose not to notice until now.'

Every time this happens, my heart breaks all over again, as if it was the first time, but his doesn't, because it's him who gets what he wants. And, though it's not fair, every time it happens, I hate him and resent him. I probably hate myself more though. But I still stay. He manages to forgive what I assume he sees as crazy emotional fluctuation and clingy ex shit. I decide that I'd rather have him like this than not at all. Deana Carter "What Makes You Stay"
Don't have the strength to fight anymore or a reason not to leave. What makes you stay, when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time, when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, but you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away." Tell me what makes you stay?

Two months ago, when his bad behavior was revealed and bit all of us in the ass, as he broke down, he was the weak one, the one begging, the one who had something to lose. I know that I got some satisfaction in that because it is usually me in that position and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. Now it's business as usual.

I left the shirt he was gonna let me take home, so i'd have one showing off our home team, on the bed, and the necklace he'd given me for our first Christmas and my ring on his nightstand, by his phone. After going in circles all last night, our faces shrouded in shadow, buy the stark light of day I saw that he felt powerless. Not weak, just unable to come up with anything to do to change it. "I'm supposed to be at work already.... We have to leave, but I'm not letting you go. ...I love you." Just not enough to try again, I thought.

Coheed and Cambria- "The Suffering" 
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out. So, until the sun burns out, I hope you're waiting.

Driving as fast as I can away from the place I fear will always feel more like home than anywhere else in the world, no matter how long I'm gone, old habits bubble back to the surface. I want to push this car as fast as she'll go. Typing a draft of this blog post as I drive. All I've eaten today is this Mt. Dew beside me and it might be a liquid diet day. I want to hurt on the outside so I don't feel this hurt on the inside. I want to pay off my debt and disappear, take a new name and "I want a place to call my own where you have never been. I want to look around and know you won't be coming back again."

Ani Difranco- "Dilate" 
When I say you sucked my brain out, the English translation is "I am in love with you, but it ain't no fun'. But I don't use words like love, 'cause words like that don't matter. ...The world is my oyster. You know, the road is my home. And I know that I'm better off alone.

But how can I really go when, in less than six hours time, I have already had to stop myself from contacting you so many times? And not about this, but about good things going on in my life. That I'm finally starting to feel this work as a grounding force, as something I want to grab onto to keep from going under, rather than a nuisance stopping me from handling my business. That my assistant manager isn't as upset with me as I thought she was and is going to try to get me more hours this week while my client is on vacation. That some of the office work that the bosses want to talk to me about doing is HR work, which I've never done but they seem to think I might be good at. Hell, even that I got one mile per gallon more than my mom's best record on her car coming home. I can't stop looking for ways I can make staying work.

Pink "Just Give Me a Reason"
 (Her:) Oh tear ducts and rust. (Him:) I'll fix it for us. (Her:) We're collecting dust, but our love's enough. (Him:) You're holding it in. (Her:) You're pouring a drink. (Him:) No nothing is as bad as it seems. (Her:) We'll come clean! (Both:) Just give me a reason. Just a little bit's enough. Just a second, we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again. It's in the stars. It's been written in the scars of our hearts that we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again.
Sara Bareilles "Love on the Rocks"
Here's a simplification of everything we're going though: You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too, but my friend said I look better without you. Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head. Babe, baby believe me, if I stay, it ain't gonna be easy. Okay, we'll do it your way, but this is the last time you'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down. Love on the rocks.

(Yes, I can't even find songs that aren't about a romantic love relationship to illustrate my points. It's probably not a good sign.)

Having issues with blogger and can't embed at the moment. I will try to go back and fix things later.

1 comment:

Marcy said...

My heart is breaking for you