Wednesday, October 10, 2012

You May Ask Yourself, Well, How Did I Get Here?

You may ask yourself, how do I work this? 
You may ask yourself, where is that large automobile? 
You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house 
You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife 

Last night, I was leaving a sports bar, at a modest 10:30pm, on a night when I didn't have to work the next day, after Marci (pseudonym) bought me a drink and appetizer to commiserate on what would have been my five-year wedding anniversary, when I thought, "How did I get here?" And not in the negative way I'm used to. I've had a job for a couple of months. Things are going smoothly between me and my family. I spent a full weekend with Moneypenny without any arguments or anything too dramatic. And I'd just had a relatively new friend go out of her way on what was for her a school night to hang out with me on what could have been a really shitty day. It was like something out of Sex and the City. Well, the thought behind it, not the Midwestern sports bar setting. I don't currently have any out of control relationships. This is not my life. This is the life of a normal person. And it's freaking me out that it is also my life right now.

I tried to text with Moneypenny after this line of thinking started, but it only seemed to make things worse. His responses were "I guess that's the point, this CAN by your life" and "I'm very happy for you. Keep it up! :)" I'm sure that it seems like I'm ungrateful for his support, which isn't the case. It's just that... I don't want to have a normal life. One of my biggest worries in ever getting help for my psychiatric issues was that I was afraid that it would take away everything that made me me, that I'd be some shiny happy people Stepford wives chick. But every step of the way, when I've made improvements, I've found that I still wasn't that. But now I look up and all this work I've been doing to have a better life landed me in a normal life and all the things I've been thinking about doing down the road just make it more normal, when I do not think that normal = better. (Yes, I'm aware that my life isn't normal at this point, but it is as close to normal as I've had in a very long time, maybe even ever if you include having a lack of chaotic relationships.)

I guess what I was really looking for when I texted Moneypenny was some assurance that this "normal" life I was currently living didn't make me normal. That I could live a weird or un-ordinary life without it having to be out of control.

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