Thursday, November 12, 2015


Between my work hours and the baby and my unusual situation,  i feel more and more isolated. Laying here crying at 145am on a Wednesday night, Thursday morning, there's not a single person i can call. Even if i felt comfortable calling anyone i knew at this hour, i don't know anyone i would feel would "get it." Everyone in my relationship is dealing with their own bit of crazy and right now we're all upset with the others in our way so I can't talk to them.  (well, I'm not upset with the Professor but he's frustrated with me.)
and everytime it gets like this in the relationship,  i feel like who i am is not ok. Ginger just wants "three weeks where nothing happens." The Professor feels like it's always something, that there's always something wrong and he can't ever just relax.
In this particular instance, i feel like i do alot of work to set things up so they get things they need beforehand and, when i need help to facilitate it, that gets denied. I feel like i didn't ask for much. Now I'm upset and they're upset too. But it will be me who's creating the problem, me who creates drama, me who made this a big deal when it's not. i created a big deal out of trying to make things work for them, trying to do the one thing i could to help with a problem Ginger has and to try to keep things equal. Though I'm trying very hard, whether it's my crazy or my personality or both, things just are a bigger deal to me and i feel more emotional about things than most people but definitely more than my partners. But that isn't ok. I'm not ok. No matter how hard i try i probably always will have more times that feel like crisis to me. Even if i try, even if they only see a fraction of the times i actually feel crisis inside, that is not ok. I'm never gonna be ok.

No comments: