I'm starting to realize a weird ambivalence I have around being touched. A few weeks ago someone told me that she felt like she was that she had a serious touch deficit, like she hungered to be touched. It was something she was only just realizing. She wanted that to change, to be touched more, not just sexually or romantically, but also platonically. I felt an instant revulsions. It got me thinking about how I feel about touch. Ive written about this before, about how the dates that I had been on, the times that I've messed around with people in the past year or so,how I just didn't enjoy being touched. It all felt so fraught with weirdness and just felt wrong. I'm not even sure why. Well maybe I know. It's really been like this I think since I got with Professor. And maybe is one of those things where I feel like I belong to him so even in situations where it's okay it still feels not okay.
On the other hand there are in situations where it was to be slightly taboo or much more friendly and joking and those times do feel okay. I served at the high protocol dinner for the local Master/slave group. It was held at someone's house and it was a little cramped for all of us subs to be in the kitchen at one time getting the food to take out. We had to touch each other to get around each other. That felt fine. Even really refreshing and comforting. Us subs had to lead the Dom/me we were serving to their place at the table. I was serving the Sir of a woman I am friendly with, as she was guiding the dinner. It was hard to avoid touching the person you were serving at some point during the meal. Both the intentional and accidental touching of him were all fine. They were expected but controlled so it was okay.
The other kind of touch I've had recently has been at work. Sometimes we're in close quarters and you're trying to move around someone so you might touch their back so they don't run into you. There is also the matter of a little flirtatious touch that happens. It's under the guise of just making sure the person doesn't move into you, but there's always maybe that one or two people who do it a little more than others, a little more than is necessary. Or a lot more. There is one person at work, a man who is not my supervisor but definitely several steps above me in the hierarchy at work, who does this. When I was working there before my maternity leave it kind of squeaked me out when he did this, but since I've been back... I don't know... It makes me feel a little different. I have started pushing the edge back a little. Maybe because I kind of like him. It is a bit taboo, could be completely out of bounds if one or the other of us said something to a superior, but the fact that we are both doing it shows the other that it's okay even though it's not within rules. There's this little bit of charge around it. That might all be in my head, but I enjoy it, enjoy this little game that at least I am playing. But other than the two kinds of situations above, i generally don't feel comfortable being touched.
The last few days have been really hard on me. Hell, a great deal of the last month or so have been hard. When i get overwhelmed or very sad or very angry, i go to my room alone, curl up under the covers. Alone. I've requested that the Professor largely just let me be. I just want to shrink into myself. It feels like that can't be good.