New Day

So, as we know, I'm starting this so that I can keep a journal of my progress on this journey, starting today. So, I want to post what I already have.
Thoughts from last night

• Link between love and violence forged before I ever remember
• Felt like those who loved me the most showed the most violence (also the one who's love I wanted the most)
• Cont.-This has led me to discount the love of those who didn't show violence toward me but instead had positive reactions to positive behavior
• I am a very manipulative person
• What I am looking for in S&M is not a safe-seeming loss of control but pushing until my safety net breaks==too dangerous
• Need to get at the roots of this and change will follow
• Duality, in my thinking, of physical sex and emotional love
• "You are not that important"-T's general, vague and cryptic answer

Strategy

1. Research into the Psychology of abuse, spanking, s&m
2. Meditation-general and specifically on this issue
3. Talking it out with T

New Rules for Life

• Tape only 2 hours of TV a night
• Meditate every other day
• Exercise every other day
• Loss 20 lbs.
• Only sleep 8 hours
• Read more
• Write my fiction every night
• Play music
• Start blog
• Personals-Dating only, no sex, no S&M
• Change fantasies and vary practices
• Catch-up on movies
• Catch-up on music
• Seek positive reinforcement for positive behavior

?Do you think this is too personal, T?