Sunday, October 02, 2005

New Day

So, as we know, I'm starting this so that I can keep a journal of my progress on this journey, starting today. So, I want to post what I already have.
Thoughts from last night
  • Link between love and violence forged before I ever remember
  • Felt like those who loved me the most showed the most violence (also the one who's love I wanted the most)
  • Cont.-This has led me to discount the love of those who didn't show violence toward me but instead had positive reactions to positive behavior
  • I am a very manipulative person
  • What I am looking for in S&M is not a safe-seeming loss of control but pushing until my safety net breaks==too dangerous
  • Need to get at the roots of this and change will follow
  • Duality, in my thinking, of physical sex and emotional love
  • "You are not that important"-T's general, vague and cryptic answer


  1. Research into the Psychology of abuse, spanking, s&m
  2. Meditation-general and specifically on this issue
  3. Talking it out with T

New Rules for Life

  • Tape only 2 hours of TV a night
  • Meditate every other day
  • Exercise every other day
  • Loss 20 lbs.
  • Only sleep 8 hours
  • Read more
  • Write my fiction every night
  • Play music
  • Start blog
  • Personals-Dating only, no sex, no S&M
  • Change fantasies and vary practices
  • Catch-up on movies
  • Catch-up on music
  • Seek positive reinforcement for positive behavior

?Do you think this is too personal, T?

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