Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Sorry for my silence

Sorry for my long silence. I have been trying to adjust myself to a normal day schedule (after working six months second shift). I am working a very long term temp job doing brainless data entry, so I have lots of time for the creative part of my head to work, so I should be posting more often. Also, this job has given me some other revelations, which tie into the rest of this post, which I wrote at work yesterday, but I don't have time to articulate it right now. Here is something to tide you over.

  • factory of data entry
  • like meditation, my mind writes stories while my body types data
  • try to imagine the lives the numbers represent
  • try to imagine the lives of those around me, wonder if they can imagine mine
  • miss the familiar feel of my cell phone in my right front pocket, sometimes the nerves there in my leg twitch, making me believe my phantom phone is ringing
  • A life I could have had, probably almost did. Was it T that changed it all? all the 'what-ifs'- what if I had stayed with ex-T, moved to slightly bigger midwest city to live with him? Would he have grown up faster or just become a kid with a kid? What about if I had stayed with and gotten pregnant by ex-J? Would it have been a lesbian drama where I ran away with DarkLesbian and the baby?
  • All the rules, what purpose do they serve? What does it matter that you can wear your own clothes when your every move is scheduled and monitored? When every act that doesn't conform is an act of rebellion? Maybe I don't blame the girl next to me for talking the last HOUR before lunch and doing NO work. How can I begrudge her any entertainment when I now can't do anything but look at my blank desktop screen because the servers are down and I can't read at my desk or do anything else? These rules don't promote me to be a good worker. I guess they aren't supposed to. They assume everyone is a terrible worker and seek to curb their bad behavior to make them at least mediocre. How can they not ONLY meet the only expectations given them? How can I not only meet the only thing they expect of me?
  • Wondering how this information will be used. Govt. lawsuit vs. Native Americans. Who's side do I agree with? Does it matter? Am I less of a hypocrit than the gays who work for gay-hating Christian conservative organizations because I make less money, have a less prestigous job?
  • Only two days and I already miss non-working life, or not-working-here life
  • An hour left on my second day, and I'm wondering if this drudgery is what the rest of my life is going to be like. I have to make it more than this, more fulfilling. Maybe the job doesn't need to be fulfilling, just what I do outside. But can't the job kinda deaden you to the fulfillment of the rest of your life? Like my parents, or T's parents?

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