Thursday, July 05, 2007

Deleting You

Deleting you from my phone might be a little overly dramatic. But I think it is appropriate. Telling you in my last call that this would be the last time I contacted you might also have been a little overly dramatic. But I think it was also appropriate. You've told me twice in the past that you don't just disappear on people and I don't just disappear on people either. There is a woman who I used to be friends with who's number I still keep on my cell phone, just in case I someday think that we are both mature enough to have a friendship again. But what you have done is worse than disappearing. You have put effort into ignoring and dodging me. If you cared enough to want me in your life in some way, you would have taken the 30 seconds it takes to send a quick e-mail, letting me know if things were ok or not and how much time you would need to figure that you. If fact, I have specifically stated multiple times that that is all it would take to put me at ease and for me to leave you completely alone for that period of time that you needed. But I am obviously not important enough to warrant the 30 seconds it would take you to give me some kind of a re-assurance, or even a brush off. You'd rather dodge my phone calls and ignore my texts and e-mails. This is not to say that I don't appreciate that you are going through a major life change here and that I wouldn't understand if you just said, "Hey, I thought I could start this affair with you but because of what just happened in my life, I can't right now." I also know that you had a very full life even before I came around, even before this major life change occured in your life. But I asked, nay, begged for the assurance that I wanted and needed and, instead, you chose to spend that energy ignoring and dodging me. So I'm not going to contact you again. I'm not going to chase after you. I have enough drama and stress in my life without worrying about why you don't like me enough answer the phone when I call. I have tons of easy answers for why a person wouldn't like me enough not to answer when I call and one really easy answer why they wouldn't just have the balls to come out and tell me that.

Unfortunately, deleting you from my phone does not delete you from my head. I still have your phone number memorized and your e-mail address is to easy to forget. I'll still breathlessly stare at my phone's screen when any text comes in or when a phone call comes in on the general ringtone, because it just might be you. I'll even hold my breath when I pull onto my street, hoping and praying that you might be uber-romantic and be sitting in your car in front of my house, waiting for me to come home. I'll also hold my breath anytime my car is parked outside and I know you are off from work and I hear a car door shut somewhere outside, thinking it might be you. And I won't read a D/s fantasy without putting us in those respective roles. And I would leap back into your arms any moment you chose to show up.

But I'm still deleting you. And I'm still left feeling like I've been had. When I was choosing a pseudonym for you, it finally came down to "mon parrain"= my sponsor/godfather or "mon piege"=my trap. Because of all the possibilities you opened up to me, I chose the former, but now I feel like I should have chosen the latter. I fell into a trap where I let myself believe that all the good things that I wanted to be I already was or could become. But it wasn't true. "Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has it's cost, anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost."-BNL

So I guess let me know if you ever want to be undeleted.

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