Monday, April 17, 2006


So tonight when we talked, I asked why he loved her. One of the things he said was that she was happy all the time. About a half hour ago as this was replaying itself in my head, I caught myself thinking, "If I'd just been happier!!!" But, for as tempting as that might seem, I can't do that.
1) I can't change the past. This is the current reality and I have to deal with that.
2) I can't compare myself to her. She is not the perfect woman anymore than I am. After he fell out of love with me, which happened LONG before she came around, he used our relationship as a learning tool and saw that he wanted someone who wasn't like me in ways X, Y, and Z. Good for him. That is growth. that is what I should do, what we all should do. I'm not BAD for not being her. She is herself and I am myself. He wanted something that was different, that was a better fit for him now.
3) I was not 'happy' when he fell in love with me. And I don't think I'll ever be 'happy' as a constant state of being. I don't think I want to be happy. I want a fulfilling life. I want to live within my means and comfortably. I want to love and be loved. but I also want to be challenged and to be challenging, to be tough, to not be easy, to strive, to be an aggitator, to never stop fighting the good fights. So I need to work on being ok with the fact that I will never/could never be her and thus could never be what he wants now. And that's ok.

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