Friday, April 07, 2006

Manic Morning Thoughts

I am still up becuse I had to go to the Kansas License Bureau to get my car registered in my name and get a new plate and because I didn't get home from Christopher's until 4am. I'm kinda wired and wanted to job down somehtings before I try to sleep.

1. Added to the Life Map- Lifelong goals Section- I want to own a piano and play it frequently
2. There is something very exciting about knowing someone wants you, even if it is just your body. Maybe this stems from bad self-image, maybe most people don't get this excited because they know/think they are attractive enough and are secure in that. But knowthing that an attractive and interesting man wants to have sex with me enough that he disregards the fact that I'm not at all prissied up or shaved and sneaks me in makes me feel amazing. I don't dislike him but I'm also not into HIM as much as other guys, it is feeling like this. Knowing someone, especially someone so attractive and experienced, wants me gives me the confidence to pursue other things. It even makes it easier when I'm talking to other people/girls who I might want to date because, if they don't like me, at least I know it isn't because I'm some repulsive beast.
3. Lately, I've felt really devoid of 'grown-up'-ness. I felt more capable and in charge of my own life, more adult, when I was 17 than I have recently. While I probably have a skewed perspective, nothing feels as grown-up as driving 30 minutes at midnight to have sex with your new lover, especially when you haven't notified anyone in the house you are leaving.
4. In this day and age, shouldn't we have a new word to replace 'lover'? Because lover implies love. Sex partner is too clinical. Friends with benefits is too cliched and implies that you have a friendship. And fuck-buddy is too vulgar. There needs to be another word...
5. I think there is something to me about driving that is both very adult and very freeing. The 'freeing' aspect is probably fairly obvious. Open road ahead, dream of just driving off, time alone and in charge of this big machine, singing loudly, rush of speed. The adult part, for me, probably stems from the fact that, from the time we moved to KC from Chicago, I thought that, once I had a car, a way to get to any city I wanted and to get to and from a job once I got there, I could do anything in the work. All I needed was that car and then a job and a place to live would be easy to find and keep. That is probably another part of the freedom equation.
6. I just fully realized why it was so important to my mom that this car be MINE free and clear. Thanks Mom.

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